Sister. . . Help Me Understand Who I am

When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am.
--Lillian P. Benbow

One thing that continues to drive me crazy is the idea and misconception that women cannot and do not get along with one another. Within the last half an hour, as I was watching television, I heard one woman say, "I hope there are not alot of girls because girls can be catty." Moments later another women in a commercial said "you know how women are . . . women are backstabbers." Whenever I hear statements like this, I literally cringe on the inside and shake my head in disappointment and slight disgust. The idea that women cannot and do not get along is propaganda that has been created by various forms of the media and bought into and manifested into a reality by women.

I am thankful that I have never had a problem getting along with women. For as long as I can remember I have always had alot of female friends. My appreciation for having female friends increased greatly when I attended an all girls’ high school. Yes, there have been times in my life (mostly as a teenager) when I did not get along with a woman or two but it had less to do with the fact that they were women and more to do with the fact that our personalities did not mesh. Some of us have had terrible experiences with women but that might speak to our inability to choose friends. Note that we have all had some terrible experiences with men yet we have not killed off the entire male species. Why then have we had a few disappointing experiences with women and this has led us to kill off an entire gender?

I have a ton of women friends and I am thankful that God has blessed me in this manner. When I am hanging out with my girlfriends I can really let my hair down and be myself. My girlfriends provide a sense of comfort and comfortableness that I do not feel around men. My female friends provide a safe space where I can wrestle with my insecurities. My girlfriends wipe my tears when I am down (and believe me there have been many of tears to wipe) and they celebrate with me and for me when wonderful things are happening in my life. They encourage me to be a better person and live my life to the highest level of integrity no matter what issues I am facing. And when I am not operating in my fullest potential they do not hesitate to remind me of this. God created man and woman and He created both genders in His image. Has it ever occurred to anyone that God would not create an entire gender that could not get along with one another.

If you are one of those women that "do not get along with other women" I am encouraging you to take a closer look at yourself. When one has a problem getting along with people (whether a man or woman) it is time to realize that the problem might be you. What is going on with you that is putting off an entire gender? What is your relationship like with your mother? What has your father taught you about women? What media outlets are reinforcing your negative images of women? I recently heard a rap song by a female rapper called "Girl Fight." If you are listening to music with these types of lyrics all day, it is going to influence your perception and your perception will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is imperative that you resolve your issues, and attempt to understand the history behind how your issues became your issues. Are you competitive or jealous? Are your insecurities brought out when you are among women? Or have you simply subscribed to a negative image of friendships among women? I encourage you to resolve whatever is effecting your perception so that you can live a life where all aspects of you are whole.

The quote referenced above, is one my all time favorite quotes. I came across this quote while a sophomore in college and it resonated with my entire being. When there is a woman in my environment that I cannot vibe with, before I chalk it up to jealousy or even as a personality conflict, I ask myself "is it that I do not understand who she is . . . or do I need her to help me understand who I am?"

If you are a woman who cannot maintain consistent healthy friendships among women, I implore you to get to the root of your problem. Friendships among women can be a life transforming experience-- where not only are you transformed but you also have the opportunity to transform someone else. There is a woman out there waiting to be encouraged by you and you desperately need to be encouraged by her as well.

Open Letter to My Friends, My Truth Commissioners

To My Dearest Friends:

Today on Oprah, the black therapist (I don't know her name but she is awesome!) suggested that every women (and I suppose men) have a Truth Commissioner. These are people in your life who promise to tell you the truth about yourself, situation, decision-making--even when you do not want to hear it.

From experience, I have come to realize that too many friends know and feel the truth but they do not want to share it with you because they fear that the friendship/relationship will be at stake if they tell you the truth so instead they watch you bump into wall after wall hoping that you do not get into an accident that is fatal. Most of you are unknowingly my Truth Commissioners but as of today, I am officially appointing you to the position. Please promise to tell me the truth even when I do not want to hear it. The Bible says in Proverbs "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." Deep!!

My life, my purpose, my destiny is influenced and shaped by your unadulterated truthfulness. I am officially appointing you to this position and I am expecting you to faithfully hold your post. I was about add a caveat requesting that you tell me the truth "in love" but I realized that there is no need to make this request because no matter how you say it (1) the truth will always hurt and (2) because I know your heart, I do not need to request that you tell me the truth in love because no matter how it might sound, I know your heart is in the right place. . . a good place, a holy place and therefore whatever you say or do it will always be in love. Of all the friends that I have, choosing you was an easy choice because I respect you and look up to you. I can only pray that I have been as good of a friend to you as you have been to me. When you have a moment, I suggest you appoint your own Truth Commissioners as well. Your life depends on it.