". . . my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation between soul and gender. . " Ntozake Shange

Sister. . . Help Me Understand Who I am

When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am.
--Lillian P. Benbow

One thing that continues to drive me crazy is the idea and misconception that women cannot and do not get along with one another. Within the last half an hour, as I was watching television, I heard one woman say, "I hope there are not alot of girls because girls can be catty." Moments later another women in a commercial said "you know how women are . . . women are backstabbers." Whenever I hear statements like this, I literally cringe on the inside and shake my head in disappointment and slight disgust. The idea that women cannot and do not get along is propaganda that has been created by various forms of the media and bought into and manifested into a reality by women.

I am thankful that I have never had a problem getting along with women. For as long as I can remember I have always had alot of female friends. My appreciation for having female friends increased greatly when I attended an all girls’ high school. Yes, there have been times in my life (mostly as a teenager) when I did not get along with a woman or two but it had less to do with the fact that they were women and more to do with the fact that our personalities did not mesh. Some of us have had terrible experiences with women but that might speak to our inability to choose friends. Note that we have all had some terrible experiences with men yet we have not killed off the entire male species. Why then have we had a few disappointing experiences with women and this has led us to kill off an entire gender?

I have a ton of women friends and I am thankful that God has blessed me in this manner. When I am hanging out with my girlfriends I can really let my hair down and be myself. My girlfriends provide a sense of comfort and comfortableness that I do not feel around men. My female friends provide a safe space where I can wrestle with my insecurities. My girlfriends wipe my tears when I am down (and believe me there have been many of tears to wipe) and they celebrate with me and for me when wonderful things are happening in my life. They encourage me to be a better person and live my life to the highest level of integrity no matter what issues I am facing. And when I am not operating in my fullest potential they do not hesitate to remind me of this. God created man and woman and He created both genders in His image. Has it ever occurred to anyone that God would not create an entire gender that could not get along with one another.

If you are one of those women that "do not get along with other women" I am encouraging you to take a closer look at yourself. When one has a problem getting along with people (whether a man or woman) it is time to realize that the problem might be you. What is going on with you that is putting off an entire gender? What is your relationship like with your mother? What has your father taught you about women? What media outlets are reinforcing your negative images of women? I recently heard a rap song by a female rapper called "Girl Fight." If you are listening to music with these types of lyrics all day, it is going to influence your perception and your perception will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is imperative that you resolve your issues, and attempt to understand the history behind how your issues became your issues. Are you competitive or jealous? Are your insecurities brought out when you are among women? Or have you simply subscribed to a negative image of friendships among women? I encourage you to resolve whatever is effecting your perception so that you can live a life where all aspects of you are whole.

The quote referenced above, is one my all time favorite quotes. I came across this quote while a sophomore in college and it resonated with my entire being. When there is a woman in my environment that I cannot vibe with, before I chalk it up to jealousy or even as a personality conflict, I ask myself "is it that I do not understand who she is . . . or do I need her to help me understand who I am?"

If you are a woman who cannot maintain consistent healthy friendships among women, I implore you to get to the root of your problem. Friendships among women can be a life transforming experience-- where not only are you transformed but you also have the opportunity to transform someone else. There is a woman out there waiting to be encouraged by you and you desperately need to be encouraged by her as well.

Open Letter to My Friends, My Truth Commissioners

To My Dearest Friends:

Today on Oprah, the black therapist (I don't know her name but she is awesome!) suggested that every women (and I suppose men) have a Truth Commissioner. These are people in your life who promise to tell you the truth about yourself, situation, decision-making--even when you do not want to hear it.

From experience, I have come to realize that too many friends know and feel the truth but they do not want to share it with you because they fear that the friendship/relationship will be at stake if they tell you the truth so instead they watch you bump into wall after wall hoping that you do not get into an accident that is fatal. Most of you are unknowingly my Truth Commissioners but as of today, I am officially appointing you to the position. Please promise to tell me the truth even when I do not want to hear it. The Bible says in Proverbs "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." Deep!!

My life, my purpose, my destiny is influenced and shaped by your unadulterated truthfulness. I am officially appointing you to this position and I am expecting you to faithfully hold your post. I was about add a caveat requesting that you tell me the truth "in love" but I realized that there is no need to make this request because no matter how you say it (1) the truth will always hurt and (2) because I know your heart, I do not need to request that you tell me the truth in love because no matter how it might sound, I know your heart is in the right place. . . a good place, a holy place and therefore whatever you say or do it will always be in love. Of all the friends that I have, choosing you was an easy choice because I respect you and look up to you. I can only pray that I have been as good of a friend to you as you have been to me. When you have a moment, I suggest you appoint your own Truth Commissioners as well. Your life depends on it.

Faith vs Fear

Faith and fear cannot coexist in the same space. Replace fear with faith at every opportunity.

--Temple 1/26/06

Sister to Sister Service: The Sister That Got Away

This year, the Women's Ministry of the Greater Allen Cathedral celebrated our annual Sister to Sister service with the preaching and teaching of the Rev. Dr. Renita Jean Weems. Rev. Weems is one of my favorite preachers because she is an intellectual who has the unique ability to pontificate upon the unspoken areas of the Word.

The service opened with Rev. Elaine sharing with the congregation, a gift that she had received at the end of last year's Women's Season. The gift was a beautiful oil painting of her "good friends" whom we have all grown to love over the years. The oil painting included Rev. Weems, Rev. Dr. Claudette Copland, Rev. and Episcopal supervisor Jessica Ingram, Rev. Dr. Cynthia Hale and of course our very own, Rev. Dr Elaine. Rev. Elaine descried each of her "girlfriends" and the unique character and quality that each woman brings to the sisterhood.

The title of Rev. Weems' sermon was called "The Sister that Got Away." She referenced many scriptures throughout the sermon but her main text came from Ruth 1:8-14. In this text, the husbands of Ruth and Orpha have died. Naomi encourages Ruth and Orpha, her daughter-in laws, to go on with their lives because she did not have any other sons for Ruth and Orpha to marry. Subsequent to Naomi's encouragement, Ruth decided to stay with Naomi but Orpha wished them well and decided to go her own way.

Rev. Renita's teaching touched upon many points but her sermon mainly explored and questioned what was going on in the friendship between Ruth, Naomi and Orphan that led Ruth to stay with Naomi and Orpha to go her own way. Rev Renita explored the complexities of relationships between women--the misunderstanding, the jealousy and the competition that often occurs but is rarely addressed. Below are some points that stood out:

1. Society Does not Respect Relationships Among Women. We live in a society that does not have a place for female relationship. There are few places that honor our relationships. When friendships among women are given attention by the media, the friendship is often made fun of, poked at or reduced to a superficial relationship.

2. Friendships among women fulfill our emotional need. As women, we are complex beings and we need different types of friends for the different sides of who we are. Relationships among women are the only relationships that are not driven by our biological need rather these relationships are voluntary. Our body does not need girlfriends but our soul needs them. Only a "girlfriend" allows you to tell the same story over and over and over again. Our friends may not want to hear the story so many times but they will allow you to tell the story again and again as you work out how you are feeling in your mind.

3. Fight for your sister. As women, we have to fight to maintain relationships with our girlfriends. Often times we will fight for a man who has lied to us or simply does not want to be with us. Yet, we will beg and plead with him to stay. When our girlfriends are tired of us or need some space, we simply allow them to walk out of our lives without a fight. We should not allow our girlfriends to walk out of our life. We have to make a commitment to work at our friendships and maintain relationships even when it becomes difficult.

4. You reap what you sow. As women, we have to learn to respect the "office" that has been given to another women. We may not like a particular woman but we do not have to like her in order to respect that woman's office. She shared the challenging relationship that she has with her mother-in-law. Recently the Holy Spirit revealed to Rev. Weems that she has to respect her mother-in-law if she expects her students at Spelman or other woman to respect her. What you sow in one area of your life is what you reap in another area of your life. You cannot disrespect women who have been given a particular "office" yet expect to be respected on your job, in your home or in your ministry. She reminded us that we "have got to mind how we treat people."

At the conclusion of the service, Rev. Weems asked every woman to apologize to the woman that she attended the service with for something specific (i.e. betraying your friend's confidence, gossiping about her or simply ignoring your friend's phone calls when you saw her number appear on the caller id box). She also asked each woman to make a specific promise to her friend. Rev. Weems promised Rev. Elaine that when they get old they "are going to ride [yes, she said ride] their wheelchair's to Jamaica and look at all the fine men." She also promised Rev. Elaine that they "would sit on the porch and talk about all of their ex-boyfriends."

This article only touches upon some of the many revelations that Rev. Weems shared with us about the importance of sisterhood and friendship among women. This piece cannot do justice to the service and the healing that took place in the midst of the service. I strongly encourage you to buy the CD, DVD or tape for yourself and for all the sisters in your circle. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry, but even more importantly it will make you reclaim "the sisters that got away."

This sermon can be purchased at http://www.allencathedral.org/. More information on Rev. Renita Weems can be found on www.somethingwithin.com.

Forgiveness. . . The Crossroad to Peace

Forgiveness. This is an area that I have attempted to tackle and I have been grappling with for some time. I have and continue to confront forgiveness in my past. I confront forgiveness in my mind and with my emotions. Finally, for my own sanity and well being, I am trying to tackle forgiveness on paper. I am hoping to start an aspect of healing that so many other people, and I, so desperately need.

As I evaluate all of the curve balls that life sometimes sends our way, I am convinced that one of the hardest parts of life is dealing with people who have let you down-- mothers and fathers, who have abandoned you, relatives who have molested or abused you, significant others who have lied to you, or friends who have simply used you. These situations are primarily painful because at one point or another, we had hopes and dreams for these relationships. We had a promise or an expectation of the relationship that was never fulfilled. We pray that the other party in the relationship felt for us, the way that we feel for them yet their actions or lack thereof leave us feeling uncertain. We feel uncertain about the person and uncertain about our ability to read people and judge their sincerity. When people harm us through thoughts, words, actions or non-actions (in my case), we witness the dream die and the hope disappear right before our eyes.

One reason that we have a problem forgiving people is because we equate forgiveness with weakness. Our conscious choice to dwell in the land of unforgiveness makes us feel powerful or that we have the upper hand. We believe that if the person is forgiven, we are somehow sanctioning the wrong that has been done to us. It is important to understand however that these perceptions are far from the truth. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but it is a sign of courage and strength. Forgiveness is actually the first step that we take in order to move forward with our lives. Forgiveness is not a scapegoat for allowing people to get away with trifling things that have been said or done. The most important aspect of forgiveness is so that you can get on and move forward with your life.

One thing that I have come to realize is that forgiveness does not always require that you confront the person who has hurt you to let them know that they are forgiven. The reality is that most people that we are upset with could care less. Most people that we harbor resentment towards can barely remember the thing, situations or words that have left us in bondage. Forgiveness has less to do with what you say to the other person and more to do with your soul being at peace. Forgiveness is when you can think of a situation and not burst into tears. Forgiveness is when you can look at the wrong that has been done to you and not get angry. Forgiveness is when you can take the high road and not play tit for tat. It is when you can look at a person yet you are unable to recount all of the trifling things that person has said or done to you in the past.

When you come to a complete understanding that every thing in your life happens exactly the way it is suppose to, you can forgive the trifling things that people (including family members) have done to you.

Ultimately, true forgiveness is not about the other person but it is about you. It is about your right to live a healthy, joyful, peaceful life. It is about your right to live a life that is free of anger, hate and resentment. Forgiveness is about claiming what is rightfully yours- and this is your sanity, your well being and most importantly your peace.

What situation is keeping you from ultimate peace? I challenge you, as I challenge myself on this day, to have the faith and the courage to forgive that person so that you may move on and move forward with you life . . .

I Am Enough

As women living in the 21st century we are constantly bombarded by images that tell us subconsciously and consciously that we are not enough. We are not tall enough. We are not short enough. Our bodies are not slim enough or curvaous enough. We are not smart enough or articulate enough. We are not pretty enough or nice enough. We live in a society were women have to literally fight for their self-esteem. We have to fight for our well being. Magazines, movies, music videos, bosses, men, other women, parents, boyfriends and husbands --all (intentionally and unintentionally) tell us that we are not enough. In order to live the well-rounded and healthy life that you are entitled to have, it is important that you internally fight against those images, expressions or spoken and unspoken words, which make you feel that you are lacking in one area or another. In order to operate in the authority and power that is your birthright you have to get to a place where you emotionally and spiritually embrace the fact that you ARE enough.

Your birth was preordained before the foundations of the earth. Before God thought to even create a world, He preordained the fact that you and all of your wonderfulness would come to be. Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life tells us that we are so important to God that He carefully wove and constructed every single aspect of who we are. All of those areas that you are uncomfortable with were designed so that you could become a better person. Those areas were created so that you can add an experience, perspective and voice to the world that no one else can.

The Bible tells us that God knows the exact number of hairs on our head. If something as insignificant as the number of hairs on our head is to known to God, how do we ever reach a place where we feel that we are lacking physically, emotionally, or intellectually?

Understand the following: You are fearlessly and wonderfully made AND you are who you were created to be. Stop and think about this for a moment-YOU ARE WHO YOU WERE CREATED TO BE. At this very moment you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Please do not take this out of context. This does not mean that we are perfect in the current state that we are in. You must remember that there is always room to grow in areas of your life. However, these areas should never bring you down or make you feel less than the next person. These areas should be seen as a stepping stone and an opportunity to become better than who you are today. You are amazing today. You are enough today. And tomorrow, there is room to be greater.

As women, there is a certain amount of authority and power that we have been given. If you want to walk in this authority and power you must understand and embrace the fact that you are enough. Do not think about it. Do not debate it. Do not analyze it. Simply accept this statement as truth . . . because it is. Every day that you wake up, you must tell yourself "I am enough." Verbal mantras that are spoken continuously and written down for you to visualize eventually come to pass in your mind and in your spirit. When you understand that you are enough, you will make better decisions emotionally, physically and professionally. These decisions will build upon and enhance the great person that you are. It is only then that you can open yourself to receive all that the universe has for you and simultaneously give unselfishly and unconditionally to the universe in return.